Monday, March 2, 2015

I am aware...

This post is for me and my thoughts. It isn't going to make anyone feel better or even make me feel better. I have gotten fat and please don't be all "oh, you aren't fat". Yes, I am. I am fat for me and I am fat according to my BMI. I am overweight for my height and for my pants. People have asked me on more than one occasion if I am pregnant. Nope, I am not, this is my bagel belly. People make comments like I am not aware, I AM AWARE PEOPLE. I cannot blame this on anyone but myself. I like food, like a lot. I eat too much and I need to stop. I got into a bad habit and cycle that I was caught up in and could not get out of. I was in denial and continued on my merry way. I was sad and mad because I had let myself go but wouldn't do anything about it. I continued to eat not caring what anyone thought or how I felt. I found myself not going to events because I didn't want people to see me. I wouldn't take pictures with my family because I didn't want to see the truth of my grossness. I had attempted "diet" and "clean eating" yet to fail again. I have always had trouble with food. I was a gymnast as a child and on a daily basis was called fat and was told what and how much to eat. I got in a car accident at 14 just as I was going through puberty and gained weight. As a gymnast that isn't ok, so what do you do? Don't eat. I was diagnosed anorexic at 15 and was sick for a long time. I wasn't able to do gymnastics anymore due to the accident and eventually my relationship with food got better. The thoughts are always in the back of my head and I don't ever want to return to the place where I was. I met Kyle and he loved me for who I was and I have never doubted it for a second. I was in a bad place when I met Kyle but he helped me and loved me like no one ever has before. I was doing so good and then I got pregnant. I was okay with the weight gain but after I had Ava I lost SO MUCH WEIGHT. I got down to 105lbs, I hadn't been that weight since I was 15. People told me how good I looked and I fed off of it. I loved it. I link that to breast feeding but I will never know. I got pregnant with Jaxen and luckily I lost all the baby weight fast but didn't get nearly as light as before. In the last year and a half I have gained a lot of weight. I am now on the other spectrum of what I was before and I can tell you one thing. It feels just as bad. It is constantly on my mind and I hate it. Every time I put something in my mouth, I beat myself up. People make comments like "just eat healthy", "eat a salad". Umm, if it was that easy, I would. It's a mental thing and I have not beat it. When people say awful things to me, it is hurtful. I beat myself up already and don't need complete strangers doing the same. I would never say anything to someone about their weight, you just don't do that. I am a pretty open person, what you see is what you get. I am only writing this because I hope it helps heal me and my relationship with food. I hate feeling the way I feel and writing helps get feelings out. I am not going on a diet because I don't want to fail yet again. I need to change my lifestyle and my relationship with food. I need to make healthier choices and not eat so late at night. I would work an evening shift, get home at midnight and eat a huge meal. I can't set myself up for failure because I don't think I could stand it. I am lucky I have such a great husband who supports me and loves me for me. Not one time has he said a hurtful word to me, he only helps me. He is only concerned with my happiness and how I feel. I am very lucky and thankful. So, here is to my journey. Everyone has problems and trails in life. This is one of mine. I wear this body everyday and people see me. I am sure people and thought things when they see me and this is my story. I struggle!  


  1. Thanks for sharing such a personal struggle Karli. We all struggle with something and its never easy to admit or share. But when we do share, it helps others realize there is always more to whats going on and that we should never say hurtful things or act like we know whats going on in another person's life, cause we rarely do. You've done the first step by realizing there is a problem to fix, the rest will come. Kyle is pretty darn awesome but so are you! We need to have another girls night ASAP:)

  2. People suck!!! I completely agree that the weight and size of people is never a topic to address. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to have healthy eating habits as a nurse doing shift work. Couple that with being a busy mom and having a healthy lifestyle is nearly impossible!! I can completely relate to having an unhealthy relationship with food and that it is totally a mental thing. Something that really helped me through my struggles with developing a mentally healthy relationship with food was reading the book "Women, Food, and God." Don't let the title fool you, it isn't highly religious. I've always looked up to you Karli. You'll figure you're way through this.

  3. Hey Karli. I was just saying to Tyler last night, "do you think I'm going to struggle my whole life with my obsession - I actually think addiction - to food?" It's constantly on my mind. I appreciate your honesty about the subject. I hope you know that there are people that can relate - thanks for sharing. I'd love to visit with you in person sometime about it if you ever wanted to. Hope it's ok I'm writing this!