Monday, March 2, 2015
This post is for me and my thoughts. It isn't going to make anyone feel better or even make me feel better. I have gotten fat and please don't be all "oh, you aren't fat". Yes, I am. I am fat for me and I am fat according to my BMI. I am overweight for my height and for my pants. People have asked me on more than one occasion if I am pregnant. Nope, I am not, this is my bagel belly. People make comments like I am not aware, I AM AWARE PEOPLE. I cannot blame this on anyone but myself. I like food, like a lot. I eat too much and I need to stop. I got into a bad habit and cycle that I was caught up in and could not get out of. I was in denial and continued on my merry way. I was sad and mad because I had let myself go but wouldn't do anything about it. I continued to eat not caring what anyone thought or how I felt. I found myself not going to events because I didn't want people to see me. I wouldn't take pictures with my family because I didn't want to see the truth of my grossness. I had attempted "diet" and "clean eating" yet to fail again. I have always had trouble with food. I was a gymnast as a child and on a daily basis was called fat and was told what and how much to eat. I got in a car accident at 14 just as I was going through puberty and gained weight. As a gymnast that isn't ok, so what do you do? Don't eat. I was diagnosed anorexic at 15 and was sick for a long time. I wasn't able to do gymnastics anymore due to the accident and eventually my relationship with food got better. The thoughts are always in the back of my head and I don't ever want to return to the place where I was. I met Kyle and he loved me for who I was and I have never doubted it for a second. I was in a bad place when I met Kyle but he helped me and loved me like no one ever has before. I was doing so good and then I got pregnant. I was okay with the weight gain but after I had Ava I lost SO MUCH WEIGHT. I got down to 105lbs, I hadn't been that weight since I was 15. People told me how good I looked and I fed off of it. I loved it. I link that to breast feeding but I will never know. I got pregnant with Jaxen and luckily I lost all the baby weight fast but didn't get nearly as light as before. In the last year and a half I have gained a lot of weight. I am now on the other spectrum of what I was before and I can tell you one thing. It feels just as bad. It is constantly on my mind and I hate it. Every time I put something in my mouth, I beat myself up. People make comments like "just eat healthy", "eat a salad". Umm, if it was that easy, I would. It's a mental thing and I have not beat it. When people say awful things to me, it is hurtful. I beat myself up already and don't need complete strangers doing the same. I would never say anything to someone about their weight, you just don't do that. I am a pretty open person, what you see is what you get. I am only writing this because I hope it helps heal me and my relationship with food. I hate feeling the way I feel and writing helps get feelings out. I am not going on a diet because I don't want to fail yet again. I need to change my lifestyle and my relationship with food. I need to make healthier choices and not eat so late at night. I would work an evening shift, get home at midnight and eat a huge meal. I can't set myself up for failure because I don't think I could stand it. I am lucky I have such a great husband who supports me and loves me for me. Not one time has he said a hurtful word to me, he only helps me. He is only concerned with my happiness and how I feel. I am very lucky and thankful. So, here is to my journey. Everyone has problems and trails in life. This is one of mine. I wear this body everyday and people see me. I am sure people and thought things when they see me and this is my story. I struggle!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Ava is in Grade One!!!! When did this happen??? I can't stand it, she is getting so big. I remember her as a tiny baby and now she is huge. I can already tell she is going to be taller than me, I cry sometimes. Her teacher is Mrs. Gilmore, she is pretty happy about that. She has a few friends in her class that were with her in Kindergarten. She loves school and I am glad she does, I hope it stays that way. Here's to a good year and hopes that she learns a lot. I love you baby girl and I can't believe you are getting so big!
We didn't do swimming lessons until the last two weeks in August. Luckily it was still hot out for the kids and they didn't freeze. I was nervous because last year was a complete fail for Jaxen. He wouldn't even get in the water and if he did he cried. This year was the total opposite, he loved it. His teacher was great and got him excited to get into the water. He didn't complain to me one time and he even jumped off the diving board. I was so proud of my little monkey. Ava did fantastic as well. She is a little fish and she can actually swim quite far without a life jacket on. She jumped off the diving board with out one on and it scared me just a tad. She came right back up and swam right to the edge. I am happy with how they did and I am also glad they got teachers they meshed with.
I saw something on Facebook about a cheer camp. I didn't know if I should put Ava in it or not but in the end decided she would have lots of fun. Ava ended up loving it but she said to me that she would rather play sports than cheer. I couldn't argue with that one but it made me laugh. I was going to sign her up in the fall but one of the instructors might be moving so they decided not to have cheer after all. Ava was sad but I think she will get over it. She sure looked cute when they did the dance at the end for all the parents. Am I going to have a cheerleader or a sports player???? Only time will tell.
Little Miss Ava finished Kindergarten last May. She had so much fun and she learned SOOO much. I am so proud and happy for my baby girl. She has learned how to read lots of words and I can't believe it. I remember coloring in Kindergarten and playing games. I am so glad she is learning and also is eager to do the same. One neat thing is that Ava's teacher Mrs. D'Agnone was my Kindergarten teacher 24 years ago. That is awesome, we even got a picture to remember it. My baby is growing up too fast!!!
Ava has been in Musical Theatre since she was three years old. She has always enjoyed it and it was one of her favorites for sure. She was a tad bit sad this year because it was her last performance. Her music teacher decided to go back to school, she decided to become a School Teacher. I am happy Ava got to experience the "stage life" while she did. I think it was good for her and helped her to be more out going and not shy. I hope she takes what she learned and uses it throughout her life. We also want to thank her teacher and wish her good luck in school!!!
We always have a great time at the yearly branding of the calves. I get picked to give the injections and Kyle always gets to push the calves. Kyle wasn't here this year and he sure missed a great time. Ava and Jaxen are getting older and are starting to enjoy it a bit more. After branding we have a big lunch as family. It's a time of year that you can guarantee every one will have a grand time. I always look forward to it and I already can't wait till next year.