I am aware...

This post is for me and my thoughts. It isn't going to make anyone feel better or even make me feel better. I have gotten fat and please don't be all "oh, you aren't fat". Yes, I am. I am fat for me and I am fat according to my BMI. I am overweight for my height and for my pants. People have asked me on more than one occasion if I am pregnant. Nope, I am not, this is my bagel belly. People make comments like I am not aware, I AM AWARE PEOPLE. I cannot blame this on anyone but myself. I like food, like a lot. I eat too much and I need to stop. I got into a bad habit and cycle that I was caught up in and could not get out of. I was in denial and continued on my merry way. I was sad and mad because I had let myself go but wouldn't do anything about it. I continued to eat not caring what anyone thought or how I felt. I found myself not going to events because I didn't want people to see me. I wouldn't take pictures with my family because I didn't want to see the truth of my grossness. I had attempted "diet" and "clean eating" yet to fail again. I have always had trouble with food. I was a gymnast as a child and on a daily basis was called fat and was told what and how much to eat. I got in a car accident at 14 just as I was going through puberty and gained weight. As a gymnast that isn't ok, so what do you do? Don't eat. I was diagnosed anorexic at 15 and was sick for a long time. I wasn't able to do gymnastics anymore due to the accident and eventually my relationship with food got better. The thoughts are always in the back of my head and I don't ever want to return to the place where I was. I met Kyle and he loved me for who I was and I have never doubted it for a second. I was in a bad place when I met Kyle but he helped me and loved me like no one ever has before. I was doing so good and then I got pregnant. I was okay with the weight gain but after I had Ava I lost SO MUCH WEIGHT. I got down to 105lbs, I hadn't been that weight since I was 15. People told me how good I looked and I fed off of it. I loved it. I link that to breast feeding but I will never know. I got pregnant with Jaxen and luckily I lost all the baby weight fast but didn't get nearly as light as before. In the last year and a half I have gained a lot of weight. I am now on the other spectrum of what I was before and I can tell you one thing. It feels just as bad. It is constantly on my mind and I hate it. Every time I put something in my mouth, I beat myself up. People make comments like "just eat healthy", "eat a salad". Umm, if it was that easy, I would. It's a mental thing and I have not beat it. When people say awful things to me, it is hurtful. I beat myself up already and don't need complete strangers doing the same. I would never say anything to someone about their weight, you just don't do that. I am a pretty open person, what you see is what you get. I am only writing this because I hope it helps heal me and my relationship with food. I hate feeling the way I feel and writing helps get feelings out. I am not going on a diet because I don't want to fail yet again. I need to change my lifestyle and my relationship with food. I need to make healthier choices and not eat so late at night. I would work an evening shift, get home at midnight and eat a huge meal. I can't set myself up for failure because I don't think I could stand it. I am lucky I have such a great husband who supports me and loves me for me. Not one time has he said a hurtful word to me, he only helps me. He is only concerned with my happiness and how I feel. I am very lucky and thankful. So, here is to my journey. Everyone has problems and trails in life. This is one of mine. I wear this body everyday and people see me. I am sure people and thought things when they see me and this is my story. I struggle!