T.S.

I don't know why I have chosen now to write my thoughts. I struggle, we all struggle. This post will be random and sporadic like my thoughts. It may not make sense to you but I need to get it out of me. I don't understand life, I don't get why things happen the way they do. I have so many questions, questions that cannot and will not be answered. I am angry, sad, numb all these emotions that cannot be felt at one time but yet I do. People continue on living and I wonder how can they when horrible things are happening all around. I guess I only feel this way because something bad has happened to us. Tabitha was amazing. I remember when Tabitha was born, I would have only been 6 or 7. I remember standing outside the room while she was born, I won't ever forget that. Her mom was screaming to get that baby out and I remember going in and seeing a chubby, perfect little girl. At first I wasn't fond of this little girl, she was on my turf and now the "baby" of the family. She took my place. Soon she grew into a little toddler and I remember sleeping over at Renae's house and doing Tabitha's hair and she would just sit there and let me. I stayed with them a lot on weekends so Renae could take me to gymnastics. She was my little buddy/sister. She grew into a beautiful young women and had accomplished so many things. She touched so many lives, she was loved! I won't ever forget the day when I got the phone call. I was doing my hair and my sister phoned me bawling. She didn't tell me over the phone but I knew something horrible had happened. I had read something on facebook about the Claresholm incident and thought, how horrible, not knowing it directly affected me and my family. I got to my sisters house and she broke the news. I felt nothing, utter complete shock. Nothing like this has ever happened, what was I supposed to feel. I was numb the whole day and thought something was wrong with me, this isn't right. The next day I woke up and started crying and couldn't stop. WHY? Why would somebody do this? That will never be answered, we will never have peace. Don't tell me she is in a better place. A better place would be here with us, her family, her friends. Can somebody be so selfish, so crazy. Here is where I struggle. This boy did an awful, unforgivable act. Yet, he was still somebodies son, brother, grandson. They lost somebody too. I will never forgive him for what he did. It doesn't matter if he was drunk, high or mentally unstable. YOU DO NOT MURDER SOMEONE, yet alone two others and then commit suicide. I feel horrible for his family, they have lost a son and now have to deal with the fact of what he did. How long can you be sad for? It has only been 5 months but it seems like an eternity. It has gotten easier and we will survive but the pain and thoughts never go away. I think of her everyday and my mind wonders to places that are not healthy. I think thoughts that should not be thought. I don't know what is next. I can't stand seeing a mother go through things that nobody should have to. I couldn't imagine if that was my child. These are my thoughts and nobody can tell me how I should feel or what I should think. Nobody can tell me it's going to be okay because what do they know. Life is unpredictable, you never know what's going to happen. I find that I am a little more scared and tend to look over my shoulder a little bit more. Minds can play funny tricks on you if you let it. Crap happens and there is nothing you can do about it and that sucks. I'm sorry if my thoughts have offended anyone but they are mine and it's what I feel. She shouldn't of had to die this way, it wasn't or isn't fair. Time makes you forget things and I don't ever want to forget her. I love her, she was my family and somebody took her away from me. I sometimes sit and watch the DVD that her friend Kristen had of the two of them. Tabitha was so happy and full of life and that was cut way too short. Time heals wounds I guess but this one is pretty deep.