I am aware...

This post is for me and my thoughts. It isn't going to make anyone feel better or even make me feel better. I have gotten fat and please don't be all "oh, you aren't fat". Yes, I am. I am fat for me and I am fat according to my BMI. I am overweight for my height and for my pants. People have asked me on more than one occasion if I am pregnant. Nope, I am not, this is my bagel belly. People make comments like I am not aware, I AM AWARE PEOPLE. I cannot blame this on anyone but myself. I like food, like a lot. I eat too much and I need to stop. I got into a bad habit and cycle that I was caught up in and could not get out of. I was in denial and continued on my merry way. I was sad and mad because I had let myself go but wouldn't do anything about it. I continued to eat not caring what anyone thought or how I felt. I found myself not going to events because I didn't want people to see me. I wouldn't take pictures with my family because I didn't want to see the truth of my grossness. I had attempted "diet" and "clean eating" yet to fail again. I have always had trouble with food. I was a gymnast as a child and on a daily basis was called fat and was told what and how much to eat. I got in a car accident at 14 just as I was going through puberty and gained weight. As a gymnast that isn't ok, so what do you do? Don't eat. I was diagnosed anorexic at 15 and was sick for a long time. I wasn't able to do gymnastics anymore due to the accident and eventually my relationship with food got better. The thoughts are always in the back of my head and I don't ever want to return to the place where I was. I met Kyle and he loved me for who I was and I have never doubted it for a second. I was in a bad place when I met Kyle but he helped me and loved me like no one ever has before. I was doing so good and then I got pregnant. I was okay with the weight gain but after I had Ava I lost SO MUCH WEIGHT. I got down to 105lbs, I hadn't been that weight since I was 15. People told me how good I looked and I fed off of it. I loved it. I link that to breast feeding but I will never know. I got pregnant with Jaxen and luckily I lost all the baby weight fast but didn't get nearly as light as before. In the last year and a half I have gained a lot of weight. I am now on the other spectrum of what I was before and I can tell you one thing. It feels just as bad. It is constantly on my mind and I hate it. Every time I put something in my mouth, I beat myself up. People make comments like "just eat healthy", "eat a salad". Umm, if it was that easy, I would. It's a mental thing and I have not beat it. When people say awful things to me, it is hurtful. I beat myself up already and don't need complete strangers doing the same. I would never say anything to someone about their weight, you just don't do that. I am a pretty open person, what you see is what you get. I am only writing this because I hope it helps heal me and my relationship with food. I hate feeling the way I feel and writing helps get feelings out. I am not going on a diet because I don't want to fail yet again. I need to change my lifestyle and my relationship with food. I need to make healthier choices and not eat so late at night. I would work an evening shift, get home at midnight and eat a huge meal. I can't set myself up for failure because I don't think I could stand it. I am lucky I have such a great husband who supports me and loves me for me. Not one time has he said a hurtful word to me, he only helps me. He is only concerned with my happiness and how I feel. I am very lucky and thankful. So, here is to my journey. Everyone has problems and trails in life. This is one of mine. I wear this body everyday and people see me. I am sure people and thought things when they see me and this is my story. I struggle!  

Grade One !!!!

Ava is in Grade One!!!! When did this happen??? I can't stand it, she is getting so big. I remember her as a tiny baby and now she is huge. I can already tell she is going to be taller than me, I cry sometimes. Her teacher is Mrs. Gilmore, she is pretty happy about that. She has a few friends in her class that were with her in Kindergarten. She loves school and I am glad she does, I hope it stays that way. Here's to a good year and hopes that she learns a lot. I love you baby girl and I can't believe you are getting so big!

Swimming Lessons

We didn't do swimming lessons until the last two weeks in August. Luckily it was still hot out for the kids and they didn't freeze. I was nervous because last year was a complete fail for Jaxen. He wouldn't even get in the water and if he did he cried. This year was the total opposite, he loved it. His teacher was great and got him excited to get into the water. He didn't complain to me one time and he even jumped off the diving board. I was so proud of my little monkey. Ava did fantastic as well. She is a little fish and she can actually swim quite far without a life jacket on. She jumped off the diving board with out one on and it scared me just a tad. She came right back up and swam right to the edge. I am happy with how they did and I am also glad they got teachers they meshed with.

Cheerleading!!

I saw something on Facebook about a cheer camp. I didn't know if I should put Ava in it or not but in the end decided she would have lots of fun. Ava ended up loving it but she said to me that she would rather play sports than cheer. I couldn't argue with that one but it made me laugh. I was going to sign her up in the fall but one of the instructors might be moving so they decided not to have cheer after all. Ava was sad but I think she will get over it. She sure looked cute when they did the dance at the end for all the parents. Am I going to have a cheerleader or a sports player???? Only time will tell.

Kindergarten is over...

 

 

Little Miss Ava finished Kindergarten last May. She had so much fun and she learned SOOO much. I am so proud and happy for my baby girl. She has learned how to read lots of words and I can't believe it. I remember coloring in Kindergarten and playing games. I am so glad she is learning and also is eager to do the same. One neat thing is that Ava's teacher Mrs. D'Agnone was my Kindergarten teacher 24 years ago. That is awesome, we even got a picture to remember it. My baby is growing up too fast!!!

Musical Theatre

Ava has been in Musical Theatre since she was three years old. She has always enjoyed it and it was one of her favorites for sure. She was a tad bit sad this year because it was her last performance. Her music teacher decided to go back to school, she decided to become a School Teacher. I am happy Ava got to experience the "stage life" while she did. I think it was good for her and helped her to be more out going and not shy. I hope she takes what she learned and uses it throughout her life. We also want to thank her teacher and wish her good luck in school!!!

Branding!!!

We always have a great time at the yearly branding of the calves. I get picked to give the injections and Kyle always gets to push the calves. Kyle wasn't here this year and he sure missed a great time. Ava and Jaxen are getting older and are starting to enjoy it a bit more. After branding we have a big lunch as family. It's a time of year that you can guarantee every one will have a grand time. I always look forward to it and I already can't wait till next year.

Jaxen's 4....a long time ago.

My little monkey turned 4 on March 11, 2013. We had the usual family over and had supper then cake and ice cream. Jaxen is so sweet, he just melts my heart. His squinty little eyes and huge smiles just gets me every time. My little man is growing so fast it makes me sad. He is my baby and he always will be. I love you Jaxen!!!!

Ava's 6!!!

My dear little Ava turned 6 today. I am sad, she is growing up way too fast. Ava is one independent little girl. She likes it her way, I wonder where she got that from??? We had our family birthday get together like every year. We had it at my parents house this year. My dad made some chili and my mom got the cake that Ava picked out. The party was on Saturday and on Sunday I took Ava out for lunch. It was just the two of us and I know she loved it. It is Ava's actual birthday today which is Tuesday, Jan. 29/13. I work today so Kyle is going to take Ava out on a little daddy/daughter date. She is so excited for it and keeps asking if we are going to get a babysitter for Jaxen. I love my little girl and she makes me smile. Happy Birthday Ava Beth!!!

Dentist

This was Jaxen's very first time going to the Dentist. Jaxen did GREAT!!! Again I was nervous because he isn't fond of brushing his teeth. I didn't know how he would feel with a stranger cleaning his teeth. He just sat there watching TV while the hygienist cleaned away. He didn't even mind the fluoride. Ava has been a few times before and sat like a champ. I was proud and happy because my children didn't act too crazy. Also, it makes it easier on me so I don't have to feel like a failure of a parent. Days like these make me feel like I am doing alright is the parenting area. Other days are a different story but we won't go there today. Both Ava and Jaxen were cavity free. BONUS!!!

Halloween 2012

This Halloween was FREEZING!!! We started the morning out at Parent Preschool. This class is each Wednesday and Jaxen and I go together. This Wednesday Ava had to come with us because her Kindergarten class didn't start until the afternoon due to the party. She enjoyed it even though she was the oldest kid there. After PPS we went home and had some lunch. I dropped Ava off at school came home to take Jaxen to Kyle. I ran back up to the school to meet my parents to watch Ava's Halloween Parade. She looked so cute in her Dorothy costume which she picked out all by herself. After school was done we sat around waiting to go out Trick or Treating. Kyle wasn't able to come out with us in the beginning because he was writing a test in Lethbridge. We meet up with Megan Court's family and headed out around 5:30. It was cold, so cold the kids had their snow suits on under their costumes. I couldn't even do Ava's zipper up on her dress. They didn't complain but I sure did, my hands were freezing. Megan was nice enough to give me a pair of gloves, she is always prepared! After about an hour of Trick or Treating Kyle made it home. He came out with us for about another 30 minutes and decided we were done. It was dark and it was cold. We parted our ways with the Courts and headed out to do some family houses. We got home around 8:00pm and let the kids at their candy for a bit. It was a great evening but a cold one!!!

Kids in Motion

I didn't know what to do with my kids this year. Ava usually goes into Ballet but she didn't love it and I wasn't going to force her. Jaxen is getting old enough to start doing things but I didn't know what. I then heard about Kids in Motion and it interested me. Ava did it in Preschool as part of the school program but they cut it out this year. She said it was fun and she wanted to give it a go. It's a tad bit like gymnastics I suppose but not as hard core as WestWinds in Lethbridge which I liked. I decide to put Jaxen in as well. He is LOVING it! He is pretty good to I might add. I was worried but I always am with him. He either loves something or hates it and he loves this. They go every Friday and are having a blast so far. I am happy they found something they like to do and it doesn't feel like a chore each time we go. Yay for K.I.M!!!!

Kindergarten

My dear sweet Ava is in Kindergarten. When did this happen? I cannot believe how fast time is flying past me. She is spunky, crazy, wild, happy, but the sweetest girl you will ever meet. Ava's teacher is Mrs. D'Agnone. That was my teacher when I was in Kindergarten and Ava gets a kick out of it. So far she is loving it and is on top of her homework. As soon as she gets home from school she sits at the table and tells me it's time for homework. I hope those habits stay with her forever. I love you Ava girl and I can't believe how fast you are growing up!

Gun Time!!!

I enjoy guns, I always have. My dad always used to take me hunting with him as a young girl. We were lucky enough to get a chance to go with the Court's. Kyle and I have no guns but Court's have plenty. This must have been at the end of August but I truly don't remember. Ava was there and she shot a gun but I must have forgotten to take a picture of her. I wish we could do this more often and I also wish I was a better shot. I hit a few targets but missed more. Kyle is actually pretty good but he's always good at what he does. Jaxen had fun with the pellet gun and Ava even hit her mark. Thank you Court's for showing us a good time!!!

Apgar 2012

We go to Apar every year. Usually we stay at either Whitefish KOA or West Glacier KOA but this year we decided to actually camp in Apgar. I like my hookups but Apar has none which makes it a tad bit more difficult. My dad was nice enough to let us borrow his generator so it wasn't too bad. Kyle's whole family goes as well so it's a pretty big party. It's nice to have his brother and sisters there seeing as we don't see them very often throughout the year. Kyle's parents went a day earlier than us so they could get a spot, it was a very nice spot. We went to the beach everyday and it was HOT! The water is freezing cold so it balances each other out. We went on some day hikes and went to Whitefish one day so we could go on the super slide. We have to drive to Whitefish each year just for the slide, it is so much fun and the kids love it. I love that we do this every year and the kids will remember it forever. I still have found memories of going here with my family as a child. I can't wait to go next year!!!